Talane’s Blog of the Week, February 27, 2006

We recently received a request from one of our readers for advice on how to cope and help a colleague with stage three cancer. Not an easy thing to deal with, at home or at work. Fortunately, Talane Coaching Company Lifecoach, the Rev. Dr. Terrence O'Neill has some very useful and eloquent suggestions for being with people with grave illnesses of any sort. This one is worth saving for future reference. Almost all of us will have to deal with a dying friend, relative or colleague at some point in our lives. Feel free to forward it to your friends and family (just please keep the credits intact).

Warmest regards,
Talane

Tips for Being with the Gravely Ill
Dr. Terrence O'Neill

Here is a list of some things that may be important when you are with a person in stage three cancer.

Be willing to listen and make their topics “okay” for discussion. So often a person will attempt to open up about their fears and because WE don't want to hear, we offer false assurances “that everything will be all right” when in fact we all know it won't be.
Be present (and be quiet). You don't have to say the “right” thing. And when in doubt just shut up before you say something stupid or damaging.
Listen, listen, listen and don't critique the emotions; and there will be emotions - all of them and some unpleasant. Just listen, and don't take any of it personally.
Offer practical help. Mow the lawn, do the dishes, prepare a meal, help with workload in the office setting. People with cancer want to hold up their end of the bargain, but simply cannot, due to both the illness and the various treatments, all of which are very debilitating.
Take care of yourself. While helping you will likely need more rest, more time alone or more time with those who love you, to build yourself up. Some of your routine tasks may need to slide for awhile.
Humor is good. Dark humor is common. Don't be afraid of it. It's a way of telling the truth.

At stage three you can anticipate death. Consider the following:
Each dying person, and their experience, is unique. Sure, we'll find similarities and can speak of the "Seven Stages of Dying" but it's the first time through for this person. It will be unique to them and for them. There is no right or wrong way to die, so let them do it their way. (One patient in Hospice wanted an old '50's rock and roll song played and she danced with her pastor the day before she died. Unique!)
The gift of your presence may be rejected. When folks near their own end, sometimes they want to be alone or with very few people. I can't tell you how many times families hold 24 hour vigils for a dying patient, only to have the patient die when the family member on that 'shift' goes to the bathroom. Death can be a very private matter. Remember, it's not about you, it's about them.
If circumstances are appropriate, share your feelings. When my sister-in-law died at home just one year ago this week while in home hospice care, we were all there to care for her. She loved to be with people. From 10 AM to 10 PM daily for a week there was a parade of people who came to visit, tell her they loved her and would miss her. They laughed over her past antics and cried with her over their mutual loss. It was heart rending and beautiful.
At the end, sometimes the last gift we can give is to assure the dying person that we'll be okay. That they can let go when they are ready. When they fall into silence, the sense of hearing is the last sense to go, and it is believed that the dying can hear our words of love and assurance. Speak them.

The Reverend Dr. Terrence O’Neill, a clergyman for nearly thirty years, is a Lifecoach with Talane Coaching Company. Dr. O’Neill is currently Chaplain for a surgical ward in Albany, NY, working with the families and friends of terminal patients on a near-daily basis as they come to grips with death and dying. A coach, public speaker and seminar leader on team development, he is also the author of the upcoming mystery “Till Death Do Us Part” to be published May 2006 by Penn and Ink Publishing. He can be reached at terry@lifecoach.com.