Five Myths of Forgiveness: Why we don't forgive the ones we love the most

September 2005
By Talane Miedaner, Master Certified Coach
Author of Coach Yourself to Success: 101 Tips from a Personal Coach for Reaching Your Goals at Work and in Life (Contemporary, Jan. 2000).

Five Myths of Forgiveness: Why we don't forgive the ones we love the most
"She got even in a way that was almost cruel. She forgave them."
Ralph McGill on Eleanor Roosevelt

Beth is a highly successful, 34 year-old sales executive at a technology company. She works from home, has a husband and a 3 year-old son and isn't looking forward to the holidays. Years ago, her father hurt her deeply. She has never spoken to him about his divorce (which included leaving her mother for someone he had been having an affair with) and now Beth feels awkward around him. Every time she sees him her unspoken anger and resentment bubble beneath a polite facade. Resigned to this way of life, Beth feels that it will only make things worse to bring things up so why bother? Although not all of us have been hurt by a significant someone as deeply as Beth was hurt by her father, most of us have people in our lives who have wronged us, even a little bit. And most of us, like Beth, are reluctant to find a way to forgive. We brush off the hurt, saying it really isn't that important. Then we hang onto our grudges and resentments with remarkable tenacity. This is because we've bought into the five myths of forgiveness.

Myth #1. It isn't really that important.
The cost of not forgiving someone is greater than most of us realize. It's a significant drain on our energy to carry all that bitterness around. And not only do we end up infecting ourselves with our own hurt and anger, but we can poison those around us as well. What was Beth modeling for her son, for example? A very cool, distant relationship with her father. Was that the kind of relationship she wanted later on with her child?

Myth #2. If we forgive, we are condoning someone's bad behavior.
This is a misperception. Forgiveness does not imply that you agree with or accept the behavior. To forgive is actually just a recognition of human frailty.

Myth #3. We insist that there's no good time to forgive the person.
Actually, there's never a good time not to forgive. My clients typically procrastinate about calling the offender so I gently remind them until they get to it. And they are never sorry that they did. Their only complaint? "Why did it take me so long."

Myth #4. It's not okay to ask for an apology.
So often people wait hoping that one day an apology will magically appear. In most cases, people don't even realize that they have offended you so how would they think of apologizing? It is up to you to let someone know when they've hurt you and ask for an apology. When an apology is not enough, go ahead and ask her to make amends. Don't be afraid to say, "I'd like you to make it up to me." Then get specific. Say, "I want you to pay back the money you owe me." Or, "You could make it up to me by sending me a dozen red roses and taking me out to dinner."

Myth #5. You can't forgive someone unless they apologize.
Wrong again. The real key to forgiveness is realizing that you can do it regardless of what the other person does or says. The forgiveness isn't so much for them as it is for you. We can't control what others do, we can only control ourselves.

When Beth realized she had nothing to lose except a lot of bitterness, she decided to go ahead and try talking to her father. They met at a restaurant and she thanked him for taking the time and let him know that she wanted to clear the air for the sake of her son. She hoped that even if they didn't get along at least her son would have a grandfather. Then she stated the facts of the situation from her point of view and gave her father time to tell his side of the story. It turns out that he lied about the affair because he didn't want the children not to love him and thought that if they knew, they would hate him for sure. He was grateful for the opportunity to apologize. He very much wanted to be a grandfather, but hadn't felt welcome. Suddenly Beth realized that all her father wanted was to love and protect her. Yes, he had screwed up, but so had she. She had shut him out. She said, "I'm so sorry." He said, "I never wanted to lie to you, I just couldn't bear the thought of losing your love."

Beth forgave her father; he forgave her. They hugged each other for the first time in 15 years.

Copyrighted © September 2005. Talane Miedaner.

Adapted from Coach Yourself to Success: 101 Tips for Reaching Your Goals at Work and In Life by Talane Miedaner © Copyright Jan. 2000. NTC/Contemporary Books.