Top Ten Tips to Achieve Personal Integrity

June 2005
By Talane Miedaner, Master Certified Coach
Author of Coach Yourself to Success: 101 Tips from a Personal Coach for Reaching Your Goals at Work and in Life (Contemporary, Jan. 2000).

“One man cannot do right in one department of life while he is occupied doing wrong in any other department. Life is one indivisible whole.” – Ghandi

Integrity is a state of wholeness. It is being true to yourself in the highest sense. Integrity is what is right for you. It is bigger than honesty, morality or credibility, although it can encompass all of those. When we’re in integrity, there is less stress, we have greater self-esteem, and we feel more energetic. Being in integrity is an on-going process; we work on it our entire life. Here are some ways to restore your own integrity:

1. Complete the past. Acknowledge the wrong, the mistake, the screw-up. We all say or do the wrong thing at some point in our lives. The difference between those with integrity and those without, is how they handle it. To restore your integrity in personal relationships: (1) make a list of the people you’ve hurt (intentionally or not); (2) apologize (if they have died, write a letter) and ask what you can do to make amends and put things right; (3) move on. Once you’ve admitted your mistake, taken corrective action and made amends, let it go.
   
   
2. Eliminate the holes in your life. If integrity is wholeness, then to restore it you must plug the holes. Where is your energy being drained or depleted? What are you tolerating or putting up with? The missing button on your favorite suit? The fridge light bulb that burned out months ago? The negative or over-influencers in your life?
   
   
3. Tell the truth. More than not lying, this means telling the whole truth. Being your word or being honest is only part of integrity. Sometimes you have to look beyond your word or promise to the larger truth. It may even mean breaking a promise in order to achieve integrity. For example, I once agreed to do a year of volunteer work for an organization I thought I believed in. This required spending a significant amount of time each week working for them. For ten months I did this happily. At some point, it was no longer a joy, it became a burden. The only thing that kept me going was that I had given my word, but as time went on, I began to feel that our values clashed. The organization had a heavy-handed approach to recruiting new members. I preferred a softer approach, giving people time consider before choosing to commit their time and money. When I realized it was no longer in integrity for me to volunteer for them, I resigned. I did so with as much integrity as I could. I told my supervisor, I found a replacement and gave plenty of notice so they could train my replacement. I broke my promise to them, but only after realizing that for me to be true to myself, volunteering was no longer appropriate. If I had just quit and had not communicated or made an effort to replace myself, I would have been out of integrity. If you must break an agreement, do it as soon as possible, communicate fully, and help ease the transition if you can.
   
   
4. Identify and fulfill your personal and emotional needs. Do you need to be appreciate, heard, cherished, loved, valued or in control? There are hundreds of different personal needs. Which ones are yours and how well are you getting them met? Unfulfilled needs drive us to do things that are out of integrity (overspend, overeat, etc.). If you don’t know what your needs are, it is hard to stay in integrity.
   
   
5. Tie up loose ends and projects. Unfinished business, promises you’ve made and haven’t kept, projects you’ve said you would tackle and haven’t (whether to yourself or others) will all drain your energy. Either complete the task, delegate it to someone else, hire it out, decide you aren’t going to do it, or re-negotiate your promise. For example, you promised the kids you would take them to Disney World this summer, but now you’ve lost your job. Tell the kids the truth, apologize and make amends by offering to go camping for a week or something else they’d enjoy that is less costly.

   Integrity is bigger than unfinished projects, though. Michael was a floral designer and, not being a detail person, didn’t keep good track of his business or personal financial records. He realized this was damaging the success and integrity of his business so he bought an accounting program, collected his receipts and hired a person to come and train him how to keep his books up to date. Unfortunately he hated it. The whole process drained his energy, even though he knew it needed to be done. To be in integrity, Michael needed to be responsible and aware of his financial situation, but he didn’t need to do the bookkeeping himself. He delegated the task to a bookkeeper and has been happier and financially up-to-date ever since. Being in integrity doesn’t mean you have to do it yourself. In fact, doing his own bookkeeping would have been a waste of Michael’s talents and out of integrity for him (see tip #8).
   
   

6. Have big boundaries. If you don’t have boundaries, it is hard to stay whole. A boundary is something someone says or does to you that hurts or bothers you, even just a little. For example, one client of mine was at a wedding and saw friends he hadn’t seen in years. He had lost 30 lbs. and shaved his head. He looked great! An acquaintance came up to him and said, “You look great, now I can introduce you to my girlfriends.” This is a subtle dig disguised as a compliment. The missing boundary: “People can’t make rude remarks or subtle digs.” His gentle response, “That wasn’t a compliment. Want to try again?”

   If you allow people to pick you apart, even in the subtlest of ways, it is impossible to be whole, to be your best self. Don’t tolerate this treatment. Period.
   
   

7. Raise and honor your standards. Being true to yourself means having high standards and honoring them. While boundaries are the conduct we hold others to so we can be our best, standards are the conduct we hold ourselves to. For example, “I am a person who is always on time or early.” “I do not lie.” “I pay my bills on time.” “I tell the truth.” These are standards.
   
   
8. Know your gifts. At some level you aren’t being true to yourself if you are not aware of and honoring your special talents and gifts. It is worth spending some time figuring out what your natural strengths and abilities are (work with a life coach if it isn’t clear). Then orient your life completely around your strengths and passions. Tiger Woods has a natural ability for golf which he continually refines with coaching and practice. What are you naturally good at that you could become a master of, with additional training?
   
   
9. Create financial integrity. This means telling the truth to yourself, and often to others, about the state of your finances. It means being current on payments to anyone you owe, whether the bank, the phone company or a friend or family member. It means living within your means, having a reserve of savings for emergencies (usually six months living expenses in a savings account), saving for the future (10% minimum) and having the appropriate insurance. It means having a plan to get out of debt. If you are experiencing fear, dread, or anxiety in the area of your finances, then you are out of integrity with money.
   
   
10. Do what YOU want to do in life. Forget what you think you should or ought to do, what is it you really want to do with your life? If you aren’t living your life fully, then a part of you is missing, incomplete, out of integrity. One client of mine was an engineer and hated it. She chose engineering because her father was an engineer, and was proud of her. When she starting telling the truth, she had to confront her fears about displeasing her father, but she was able to find a career which matched her own desires and gifts. If you aren’t living your own life, you aren’t in integrity!

Copyrighted © June 2005. Talane Miedaner.

Adapted from Coach Yourself to Success: 101 Tips for Reaching Your Goals at Work and In Life by Talane Miedaner © Copyright Jan. 2000. NTC/Contemporary Books.

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